New blog

Well my friends, the time has come to transfer over to my new blog at Revolutionary Life.

Though I really despise its format and have no clue what I am doing on wordpress, a blog has been set up through the website for my preparation/journey blogging. Dustan, RLI leader, has promised he will help me design the blog. I need serious help, haha.

Please bookmark The Calverts and don't forget to read and comment regularly! I love receiving comments, and will try my hardest to respond quickly!

Fears

Ok, so I know I promised a post about my struggles with moving from our home. It's a work in progress, and it's harder to write about than I thought. I don't know how to make things like that "short and sweet" and I often wonder if I lose people's attention span when I write more than a couple of paragraphs.

Moving on.

I've heard some people say concerning our trip "oh, I wish I could do that!" "It takes a special person to do that!" "I could never do that..." etc. People seem to think that this trip will be possible upon our own abilities and power. Not so. ANYONE can do this through God's power. It's not a matter of us being a certain type of couple, or me being a certain type of person. Yes, I am adventurous, but I also LOVE my American comfort. Yes, I can do without a comfy bed, but have only done so for a few days. Yes, I am an ethnic eater, but I also love me some Southern cooking.

The point is, as the Bible says, many are called, but few are chosen. In Matthew 22:14, Jesus explains in the parable of the wedding feast that while many were invited into the wedding feast, one person was turned away because they didn't have wedding clothes on. I take this to mean that we must always be PREPARED to listen to the calling of the Lord. If we hear but do not respond correctly, I do believe we miss out on what God has for us. Don't get me wrong; God is sovereign and everything works together for good, but I do believe that there have been some times in my life where I have missed God's calling because I was too worried about myself. I was too worried about comfort to listen to the Comforter.

A wonderful example of this is my relationship with my husband, Wesley. I had dated other guys before, and although they all ended in break-ups, I considered (some of) the relationships fairly successful. And then I met Wesley. I didn't realize that a relationship with the opposite sex could BE like this! He is literally MY BEST FRIEND. He is my favorite person to share anything with. We think so much alike, yet are so vastly different. I sold myself short because I thought "there's no way I can find a guy that loves kids as much as I do." (I was wrong, by the way). WOW! Of course our relationship isn't perfect...but I never thought it could be THIS good, you know? Never did I expect that. Like Eve and the fruit, I felt as if God was withholding something wonderful from me, so I would jump ahead before I could even consult with God concerning the relationship. Likewise, sometimes if we don't walk in the full will of God, we don't understand how our relationship with God COULD be! We have no grasp on the type of relationship God wants us to have with Him. I used to have the boldness to follow Christ's leading. I was almost wreckless with it when I first became saved at age 15. I was on fire and that was a GOOD thing. Too often our Christian culture teaches us to "calm down" and sink into the pews. But I lost that fire. I lost that sensitivity to the Spirit. This came from not entirely following in God's will. There were relationships I shouldn't have pursued. There were things I shouldn't have done. I felt the Spirit telling me this, yet I CHOSE TO IGNORE IT. I do believe I missed out on some blessings from this. I continue to struggle with this. Praise God He is a just God and chooses to love me and bless me through my disobedience!

Coming off my soapbox, I thought I'd educate readers on what fears I am currently experiencing:

1) I fear that people will forget me. I know the majority of us are "out of sight, out of mind" people. I admit that sometimes I can be this way, and I think our culture encourages this mindset. The thing is, if I'm countries away from you, I wonder if you'll really care. I wonder if you'll remember to pray for me, or if I will slowly fade away, blurring into a pool of thousands of other missionaries that are "out there." I don't want it to be an us vs. you thing, which is why I will continue to blog and post videos, involving people as much as possible in our journey. But I still fear that I will be forgotten.

2) I fear getting sick and not being in a comfortable, familiar place. We all do it. When we get sick, we demand to be taken care of in some way. My ritual is to want a fluffy blanket, a comfortable place on the couch, and a perfect "sick movie" on the t.v. (Mary Poppins is one of my personal favorites). Overseas, this is just not going to happen. There's a possibility we will be sick and still have to do things that day. I will have to learn to suck it up, and frankly, this scares me.

3) I fear being tortured or my husband being tortured. Wesley and I agree on this: we are NOT scared of dying. How could you be scared of going to be with your heavenly Father, the very presence we are so desperate for? But I am terrified of being tortured by someone for my beliefs. Worse, I fear watching my husband being tortured, and being put in a situation to either renounce Christ, or let him die. We have already agreed on our decision to never renounce Christ, no matter the cost, but it doesn't make the possibility any easier to even think about. (for you worriers, I do not believe in my spirit that this will happen at all! Just pray for safety!)

4) I fear being a minority in a foreign country. I experienced this in India, and it was difficult at first. Though I LOOKED like an Indian, I was very much an American. It's a surreal feeling. You feel at the mercy of the country. You feel vulnerable, exposed. It is definitely faith-growing, and changes people for the good, but the process can be unnerving.

5)I fear not knowing what to say when it comes time for me to minister. I often fumble over my words in large crowds, and end up rambling on and not making sense. I wish I could be more efficient in my public speaking.

6) I fear I won't be able to master the squatty potty. When I was younger, I tried to squat during a camping trip, and ended up peeing all over myself. Any time I would be put in that situation, I just couldn't do it. What if I am still 8 year old Ashley inside, who can't squat to save her soul? What then? This may be one of my biggest fears.

7) I fear I won't be able to do it. Quite simply, I wonder "have I bitten off more than I can chew? Do I REALLY understand what I'm getting myself into?" The answer is, probably not. But God will bless us for obeying His call. He is always with us, whether we are here or on the other side of the world. Whether we are prepared or not, He will EQUIP us for the task that He has called us to. Praise God.
A. An extension of this fear is I fear I will not be able to do it emotionally. While in India, it took all I had to not bring a child back with me. Oh, how I LOVE children. And we are going to be around lots of them. Lots of them that I will pour all my love into. And then I'll be expected to walk away without being attached. Not happening. It doesn't happen in America, and it certainly will be no different overseas.

***

Through all these fears, I am STILL going. Wesley and I decided that the only reasons for not going on this trip were 1) finances and 2) fear. We decided those two f'in f's weren't good enough excuses!
Whatever God calls you to, no matter how crazy it is, He will give you the grace to do it. I will close with what a friend told me is the definition of grace.

Grace: The divine influence on the heart to give strength to do something you cannot do on your own.